You and I were God's greatest plans

 I will gift this to you. This shall be your gift. When I am not there anymore, when all the days will become history you shall have this with you- to keep you going. The story, the simplest story- I met you and I fell in love.

Being a coward cannot be a legitimate profession. I could just Not take that one step and take the final leap. What was the point? It was all so pointless. So I write from the grave of our memories now. I know you are out there, you are reading this but I had to save us. I had to.

I solved the conflict of “have” or “had”. Never thought could do it. But fair enough, goes alright.

Remember that chill in the air, the dance floor, the moves, the smiles, the black couch, red cushions, cigarettes, smoke and the talk? I fell in love.  You just knew I was meant to be there, that day, that night, that particular mid-night. Changing the bed sheet, letting loose the curtains, half closing the doors and we were there- half asleep, half in sense with pounding hearts, lying, ticking the dreams and checking ourselves from crossing lines. We fell in love.

So easy, so fast! You were touching all the chords I thought never existed. I left home when I was young and for people like us who move so fast, home is everywhere, home is nowhere. The whole geography seemed like a big home but then, I was yet to meet your arms. My need to come back somewhere became crucial. Every night there was a coming back. A beep in the phone, a tinker and home was there- home is where heart is, and I had already traded my heart.  

I wanted to write, write them all down because I didn’t want to lose a word of yours, forget one syllable uttered or let even one expression slip my mind. I wanted to hold time in my palm, tight. Very tight! The urge to never go back but to just keep returning every time was incomprehensible, still is.

Pain you were! Every night you would fall asleep beside me, it pained. I could see you with my eyes shut. You would tip-toe in, drag a mattress, pull the blanket, settle down and in the morning, you were gone. Yet it was sweet, sweeter than ever. Then those weekends and there you would stand in your black car with red hugs and warm kisses. 

Confession: I so want you to read this right now, right away. I want you to know how it pained. Always.

You were never a man with flowers and chocolates. May be I never made you feel like becoming one. May be we were too grown-ups, too mature, too practical. But I wanted them from you. Wanted you to stop your car every time you would cross a florist. Anyway, those little injuries! Now that I turn back, I wish I had better asked for them, myself. You were harmlessly shallow. You always were. I chose you yet the battle inside the head, unappeasable.

And the feeling when you oscillate between hope and despair…  No not happening. You and I were not suppose to have the ‘I wish” and “should have been” in our lives.

We are humans. Gods don’t fall in love; the weight of love is too much. We fall in love. Just like the butt end of every cigarette that you smothered beneath your sole, I used to fear- one day it would be my turn.

The smell of your love, the smell of your armpits, the metal smell of your skin, the perfume, your hair gel in the washroom, the coins on the side-table, your car key, your wallet… They act like toxic inside my head.

Difficult, it is difficult every time to get your heart broken. You think “this time it would be better” and then when you sit alone, you see you are sitting with your past. You want to hold on to something, for once. You don’t want things to change so rapidly. You can’t make yourself believe there is something better, out there, waiting for the correct time, correct place. Bull shit!

You see that cold stare in my eye? It is you. You are the coffee in my hand. You are the nods I give to them. You are the face I see in the mirror. You are the last drop of water trickling down my wet hair. You never saw that smile? Oh, it was YOU. That flower there in my diary? Taken for you. Those clothes inside that shelf, thought would wear them, one day, for you.

How did I fall in love so much? How did I use to meet you for the first time, every time? It is not done. So much love? So much of burns yet so much of love? I should have stopped myself. I should have ran away long, long time ago. How I wished to open those doors and push myself in! How I wished to listen to those innumerable words that operated inside your head! I wanted them all. I wanted them all. I wanted to whisper to them, I am there. I wanted to mate you and produce them. I wanted to touch them, play with them and tell them- I would give them power, make them get realized, protect them. Forever!

You din’t care? Of course you did! How you would not pitch your voice above the music that used to get played in the radio of your car. You knew every word they sang. But you would sing them low. You did not want to spoil them because you knew I loved them. I loved the way you sang, never cared a hoot about the original play. You cared! Of course you cared. Those covering me with blankets, adjusting the pillow under my head, making breakfasts, calling for meals, kissing my bleeding finger, rubbing my cold feet... of course you cared!

The room feels safe. Sitting here alone, I don’t need to worry about preparing faces to meet the other faces. No it feels safe here. You don’t need to come, you don’t need to call, you don’t need to hear my voice and then respond, it is alright. Here in the room, it feels alright. Alone. The world need not know everything. I chose to breathe the ashes than stop breathing completely. They need not know that for us, tomorrow never comes. Today was yesterday’s tomorrow and tomorrow will be day after’s yesterday.

And then there are those phases where you grip on to your faith and decline to see what God wants you to see. You overlook. You keep postponing the plan to wake up to reality. Understanding and acting become so important but you procrastinate, thinking, tomorrow this will all be solved. But they never get solved. The bubble just keep growing, growing and growing to the extent when even if it hurts, no one cares anymore. 

Feeling powerful about your relationship is important. You need to feel in control of your own life. But I want you to know that I never felt that way. I felt loved, but I could not feel that you belonged to me. Never happened that way. I knew from the beginning that trying to change a thing is a change within you. Of course! Why did I fall in love in the very first place if I had to change you? I changed, so I needed you to change.

At times you just wish you sleep. You shut down because that is the only span when you feel alive. You know it is the only way you can feel today is over, the morning would be better. Why do we put our fingers on that “one missing thing” and keep complaining about it? 

You can’t find what is not there.

I know you wanted to speak, I know you wanted to hold me and tell me, don’t go. But who are we kidding? Words were necessary. You had to say, you had to speak. The chemicals and gins that work inside that head of yours, pained me here, used to tear me apart. I wanted to remove that “thin line” you always used to refer to. You gave me a home, you had to take it away.

Did you just give up or you just got bored? You got bored of calming me down, holding in your arms, lifting me up, cheering me up, taking me for rides. I could not see. You are the switch I am still fumbling for on the wall inside the dark room.

You and I were God's greatest plan.

It's easy to take off all your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your brain, your spirit, your fears, your dreams, your hopes, your happiness... that is being naked. 

One word- “STAY!” could have changed everything.